I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
