Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
