Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
