If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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