I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Sext me about skeletons
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
