can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink