Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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