Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
