we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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