if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
