Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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