At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
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