This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
