I can't watch pbs sober anymore
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
