Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I just found a bag of teeth...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
