half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
