Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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