There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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