I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
