Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
