Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
