So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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