My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize