He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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