Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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