He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
