If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
