my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
