we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Bring me that man meat
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
