I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
