I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
