I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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