You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i was born a porn star she said
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
