Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
