I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
