nut hugger
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
