So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
