last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I wear drunk well.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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