what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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