Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Say something about gay babies.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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