I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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