she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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