she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
