On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
