Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
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The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
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Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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