After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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