If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
