I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
