Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
