Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
