hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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