cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
