I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
