why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
