all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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