I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
