What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
