My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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